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If you find yourself wanting you man to step up, take responsibility, help more, and handle things — that’s understandable and becoming more common these days. Instead of trying to convince him to man up in the ways that haven’t been working, try giving him a couple “Rock Shots”.
- Males are biologically pre-wired to do for women. Society is much different today than just 10 years ago. Let alone 40 years. So much has changed and gender roles are mostly up for grabs. The one thing that is not up for grabs is our biology. We are still pre-wired for specific motivations and strengths based on gender. Let’s not forget these small but important truths when interacting with and understanding each other.
- Men become their best when challenged. The most common mistake successful, independent women make when wanting a masculine man, is never “needing” anything. When you’re always in control and handle everything, it tends to make the masculine in your partner decrease and the feminine increase. If your man has either become whiney, lazy, or entitled — you might be his co-dependent. It’s important for the health of the relationship that you ask him to carry his share of the load, emotionally, physically, and otherwise.
- Reframe your wants and needs in language designed to call out his masculine. It’s the old adage, ”it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”. You might have the right guy, but you speak the wrong language and never “see” him. Move from complaining and condemning to clarifying and challenging to get the best he has to offer. Plus, you’ll verify if he’s long-term potential or not.
- Vulnerability is the new strength and power. To proactively express needs and concerns that you used to sweep under the rug, will feel uncomfortable at first. Not only are you expressing, but you’re “going first” in the relationship. That feels terrifying. Demonstrating naked vulnerability like that shows the ultimate strength.
If you give a quality man a few Rock Shots, he’ll be stepping up the the plate for you in no time – in more areas than one. It’s the Elevated Way to get what you want from a man while at the same time making him better.
Are you tired of taking care of men more than they take care of you? Are you inadvertently turning your man into a mouse? Are you his woman, or his mommy?
Do you want your man to just man up? Stop complaining. And do something with himself?
In today’s episode I’m going to show you how to get your man to man up. How to get more support from your man. How to find out if you’re with a “keeper”, or just Mr. Right Now.
And ideally I just want to eliminate your frustration. The frustration of feeling like you’re doing it all by yourself.
Let me start today by giving you a little brief lesson on men and how we really are.
One of the funny jokes I always tell my wife is, “if it wasn’t for women men would never take a shower”.
Now it’s a joke, and surely we would take a shower at some point. But the truth is we probably wouldn’t shower very often. It’s just not a big deal for us.
But when us smelling good and being clean is a proxy for sexual opportunities, mating opportunities – well then yeah of course we’re going to shower.
We’re going to shower, we’re going to shower, we’re going to shower…
We’re going to do a lot of other stuff too. To have some hopes of mating opportunities with you.
Who Is He, Really?
Let’s say you’re in a relationship right now. Let’s say you’ve met a guy you been hanging out for a while. You guys may or may not even have a commitment to each other at this point but youre definitely doing the thing.
There’s just one big problem for you… and that big problem is, it seems like you’re carrying more than your share of the load in the relationship.
You’re starting to lose your attraction for him. What the hell’s going on?
Is this guy just a total deadbeat? Is this guy a loser and a user who is just taking advantage of you until you get tired of him?
Or is this man a quality man?
Who like many other men, don’t know everything that you’re thinking and can’t possibly anticipate all of your needs.
And I’ll even go a step further. Most men don’t even know what it is that we need to be our best. We don’t even know!
This is where you come in…
What Men Need To Be Their Best
In order for a man to be his best, he must be challenged. I’m going to say that again for the people in the back.
In order for a man to be his best, he must be challenged.
Not only must he be challenged but he must also have a purpose. Some meaning to what he’s doing. Some meaning to his efforts. Some meaning to his struggle.
So if you’re already in a relationship with a man who’s committed himself to you… Guess what?
You’re part of his purpose now.
Now that can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. But for the purpose of this episode, we’re going to talk about how it’s a good thing.
Because he has endowed you with the power to influence him. So now I’m going to show you and tell you – how to influence him.
Men Are Wired To Fix Stuff
Instead of complaining to yourself or to your girlfriends about your man, and what he’s not doing. I’m going to address him directly.
And not address him directly in that old school, “we need to talk” sort of energy and manner. That’s not going to work. In most cases that’s not going to work.
But what you can do, is you can call the greatness out of him by presenting him with a problem. Think about that word for second, “problem”.
It’s like guy snacks.
“If my girl has a problem, then it’s my job to solve it!”
That’s how we think, that’s how we think. This is actually the reason why a lot of times, you’re just trying to have conversation with us, you want to vent about your life or your situation, or whatever’s going on with you – and we keep interrupting you with “solutions” to your problem.
What’s so messed up about this, is that we are really genuinely trying to love you and care for you.
But that’s not how you receive it. You receive it as if…
“Huu…Stop interrupting me! You’re not listening! Don’t try to fix it!”
This is how you’re experiencing it, which is really funny to us because we have no idea. We don’t. Honestly we have no idea that this is going on.
And there’s lots of other little misunderstandings that happen in our relationships.
Give Your Man “Rock Shots”
But one of the most important for you to do as a woman, for your man… Is give him opportunities to be your “rock”.
I call them “Rock Shots”.
A Rock Shot is when you give your man a situation, problem, concern, whatever. You tell it to him in a manner, that he can respond to.
On this day you’re not venting, your literally looking for him to help.
And you ask him, you say “hey babe…bababababah…this thing is going on with me, my work, my job, my family…bababababah Sally Sue”.
Whoever whatever, doesn’t matter.
But the point is you’re coming to him in some level of distress. Some level of vulnerability, right?
And if you’re new to vulnerability, then you probably will want to do something that has nothing to do with your relationship with him. But when you get better at this, when you get more advanced, you’ll definitely want to present things that engage him that have to do with the relationship with him specifically. Okay?
Now that’s going to be more challenging, because it’s going to trigger each other. It’s been a trigger him. It’s going to trigger each other more often.
So it’s probably better if you haven’t been doing this, to just start with something that’s bothering you, that’s been on your mind, or stressing you out – that has nothing to do with him.
Maybe your boss at work is giving you a hard time.
Or maybe your son’s father is being a jerk this week.
So now the reason why we’re doing all this is to get your man to man up. We want to get more support from your man. We want to find out if he’s a keeper or not.
So the way you do that is you have to – and I’m looking you right in the eye, Ms Independent – you have to give him a chance to be your rock. To be your hero. You have to give him a chance.
You have to stop acting like you can handle everything yourself. Even if you can.
(Which you can’t by the way)
But even if you could, you have to give him a chance to get in where he fits in.
Now again this is all based on the fact that you want to have a long-term lasting relationship with a man. If you don’t want that, then forget everything I’m saying and click on another blog!
But if that is what you want, long-term healthy lasting love relationship – then stay tuned, keep listening to what I’m saying, and try some of things I mention. Because that’s what I’m all about.
How To Do A Rock Shot
So let’s talk about this Rock Shot. What is a Rock Shot?
The Rock Shot is just a small, little dialogue between you and your man. Where you are the vulnerable party. You are the damsel in distress.
No, you don’t have to put extras on it and act more damsel-y then you really are. But you do need to say something that sounds like this…
“Hey babe, I need your help with something”
“Hey babe, here’s something that’s been bothering me for a while. I just want to know what you think about it.”
Something like that. Some kind of peaceful engagement with him. Asking him. Calling him to duty.
This is an important thing.
And the other part of the game, is not just asking him for help, but you need to have a clear, winnable game for him. Is it that he completely fixes your problem? Is it that he listens to you… With full presence?
What is it exactly that you want from him? You have to find this out before you talk to him about anything. If you don’t know exactly what you want from him, then you just become that Crazymaker chick. Who’s always got issues and problems, but won’t ever allow me to fix them.
Don’t be that chick.
Wife For Life
So instead of the Crazymaker, you’re going to be the Wife for Life.
In the Wife for Life, the way she engages with her man, is she gives him winnable games. She tells him what her needs are in a very clear manner. Then she tells him what the goal is.
So I’ll give you a couple examples, just so you can kinda get a feel for it.
In my experience, and in most cases when a woman has a problem in her life, most of the time she just needs somebody to talk to about it. Just a sounding board to listen. Maybe head nod a little bit, bounce some ideas off of – and that’s it.
Because the women experience the world in such an emotional way, in general these are stereotypes. In general they’re having such a different experience in this world than us men are.
So maybe your “win” for him, the winnable game is just for him to listen to you. Or maybe you need some specific advice from him. It doesn’t matter, because all that matters is that you’re clear with him about what your desires are.
So if you set up a game with rules for winning and losing as you communicate your needs or wants to him, NOW you’re doing things The Elevated Way.
Now you got the Wife for Life mentality. Now you’re doing the things that you know you can do that will make the best possible relationship.
Now here’s the thing that’s going to happen when you do that. You’ll find out who your guy is. You’ll find out. You don’t even know right now. You don’t even know for sure who he is.
You don’t know until you test. You don’t know until the situations come up. So what you have to do, if you have some existing baggage that you haven’t communicated with him yet, some problems that came up, some things that bothered you in the past that you haven’t talked about – great that’s what you’re going to use.
What you’re going to do is you are going to say to him next time you see him, next time you talk to him, and I prefer for you to say it proactively…
Just say, “hey love I need to talk to you about some things, I’ve been holding in some things for a little and I kinda don’t want to, I’m starting to accumulate baggage and want to get off my chest…and get your feedback on some things”
Now that was easy for me to say, but it might not be that easy for you to say. So you gotta practice. You gotta do it. Keep doing it. And you’ll find out that it’s not as scary as you thought it was.
Keeping Your Power
No you’re not giving away your power. No you don’t seem weak. You’re still very powerful and strong.
But now you’re becoming like a “real person”. Because before that I couldn’t figure out if you are just a superwoman walking the earth with no flaws and no needs.
No, you’re a person. You’re human. You have needs.
–> to be continued next week.